The Trouble With Teenagers.

The trouble with teenagers is that deep within them lies a really awesome human being. Bet you didn't expect that, did you?

But it's just such damn hard work getting past all the moodiness, gruffness, the messy rooms, the smelly shoes and the daily contradictions in order to see it.

And that's just the boys. Girls, I've been told, have a whole different set of challenges that I will never get to experience, being as I'm surrounded by my honour guard of males.

So who's fault is it that teenagers are so difficult to live with?

For a while there I resided on the 'it's the teenagers fault' side of the fence on this issue. I mean, how dare they not show me respect and make up their own minds about things? Why should they be the ones making decisions about what's right for them when it come to life choices and bodily hygiene?

All these years I've looked after them and kept them safe and done a perfectly good job of it. I've got them to this point, what gives them the right to relegate me to the 'She's just Mum, what does she know' group that I relegated my mother to all those years ago. This time it's different, right?

Well, after a few years in this mindset, I finally realised that perhaps, just maybe, I was a little off track.

Conflict abounded in our house, tug of wars over privileges and choices, room tidying expectations and the minimum number of permissible showers per week (7, if you're wondering).

After a while though, I got sick and tired of it all. Day after day was the same routine. Off to work (me) or school (teenagers), come home, straight into housework and dinner prep (me) or homework (them), dinner then zone out in from of the tv (me) or xbox (them). Interspersed within these activities was the conflict (initiated by them I thought) and moodiness (from both sides if I'm honest). Repeat. Ad infinitum.

None of us were happy. None of us really wanted it to be like this. Not that teenagers will tell you this, they may shrug non committedly though if you ask.

Then had a lightbulb moment!

I no longer had a connection with them.

As they grew they had started to move away from me, which is a normal and healthy step on the way to independant adulthood, but what was shocking to me, was the realisation that I had started to move away from them.

You see, when kids are little and cuddly, and think you're the best mummy in the whole wide world, it's easy to be close to them. They need you, and truth be told I needed them, to fill my heart with love and fill my days with smiles. But as they grew it was a little more difficult to pick them up for a cuddle (ever tried to pick up an unwilling 6'2" teenager for a cuddle and a tickle? It's best not to try).

I had bit by bit stopped trying to connect with them, as they pulled away, thinking that's what they wanted. But underneath it all, despite exterior gruffness, they really still need their mum. Just in a slightly different way.

Suddenly, from a mothering point of view, things had changed. And I wasn't ready for it. There's the saying about kids not coming with an instruction manual, but at least when small, children are a little more forgiving if you make a rookie parenting mistake. Teenagers, not so much.

They give you the sigh and an eye roll, and then proceed to moan about you to their friends. Suddenly you've been demoted from best mummy in the whole wide world to little better than the annoying woman who puts food on their plate and clean clothes neatly on their bed. You've now become the worst parent ever because the parents of all their friends always let them do this or that. I'm sure you know the drill.

Teenagers unconsciously challenge you, searching for a weakness. It's their forte at this age, apart from sleeping. And eating. Oh, and leaving previous neat and clean clothes in dirty piles all over the floor. Apart from those things, finding weakness in their parents is their forte.

And then I fell into their trap.

The trap they set is they bring out the teenager in us parents. That self centred, stubborn and argumentative teenager we thought we'd gotten past being about twenty or years ago.

Imagine this. Teenager wants to stay out all night. You say no. Teenager argues the point. You calmly give your reasons for saying no. Teenager ignores every single point you've calmly made and reiterates their reasons for staying out. You not so calmly reiterate your reasons for them not to stay out all night. Teenager stubbornly repeats the exact same points they previously made. You restate yours. Frustration makes you a little more forceful this time. Teenager yells "You just don't understand" and stomps off to their room, full of eyerolls and muttering. You stomp off to the kitchen muttering about how you wish they'd start listening to you. Stalemate. They've reduced us to their level. Damn, I hate it when they do that.

Being a good and loving parent however, an hour or so later you go back with the intent to talk calmly and bring your teenager around to your way of thinking. Within five minutes it's back to frustration, eye rolls and mutterings again. Neither side listening to the other, or if they do, only superficially.

It's like arguing with a toddler. You can't win.

And I've found that's the best way to view teenagers. As toddlers. Just slightly larger, but often just as temperamental. They need love and cuddles too, even if they do try to push you away.

If you think about it, toddlers are standing (or wobbling) on the threshold of moving from babyhood to childhood, breaking new boundaries such walking, talking and tantrum throwing.

Teenagers are also on a threshold, this time of adulthood. Only they are breaking boundaries of every sort, rules, courtesy, family congeniality, you name it. And they've already perfected the tantrum throwing, now they just up the ante.

This may seem all rather dire that's it a wonder anyone comes through raising teenagers a sane person. But I've discovered there is a magic to this parenting teenagers gig, a secret I never got told about.

Something, that although not making us a perfect family, has certainly made us a closer family. With a lot less eye rolling.

And no, it's not shutting your eyes and downing multiple glasses of alcohol. Though that is optional.

The solution that has worked for me is.......

.........hmmm, this post is more than long enough already. Stressed out parents of the internet, you'll have to wait for this to continue at a later date.

In the meantime, fix yourself a stiff drink and keep your eyes shut.

This book .....

.... is one I can't recommend highly enough.

Although not Buddhist myself, the concepts, ideas and strategies detailed in this wonderful book have enriched my journey through motherhood greatly.

I would recommend it to every mother.

Buddhism for Mothers : A Calm Approach to Caring for Yourself and Your Children - by Sarah Napthali can be found at Amazon Books (which is where I got it from).

Please treat yourself and read this book.

You and your children deserve it.

One of Three

Can you guess who this is?



It's one of my children, obviously. But which one?

Given I have three children, you have a one out of three chance.

Well, since Charlie is too little to be in the army, you have a one in two chance really.

And it's ...............



....... Corey!

Bet you thought it was Kaiden, getting sorted for Army Cadets, didn't you?

Well, now I have two of my boys in Army Cadets. And I couldn't be more proud.

I realise that I haven't really written a lot about Corey. My middle boy. My 12 year old.

A 12 years old wearing size 13 boots.

Men's size, not boys size.

I'm not kidding.



To put that into perspective here are our feet together.

And I have average women's size 8 feet.



He also towers over me already, which is an unsettling feeling to have your offspring taller than you are.

He even towers over his 15 year old brother.


(Doesn't Corey look pleased with himself? Not quite sure why. Kaiden is thinking 'hurry up and take the picture, Mum or we'll be late!')

He looks set to reach around 6'3" it seems. That'll be quite funny when he stands next to his 5'3" mother!

So besides being a big giant of a boy, what else is Corey like?

He has a hell of a lot of energy coursing through his body and always has. His body goes faster than his mind, and so he's constantly bumping into things, tripping over and is most definitely my most accident prone boy (I know he also gets that from me!).

And consequently he also does things before he stops to think about them, and has a knack of getting himself into trouble all the time. I don't know how many times I've said to him "just stop and think!!!". But he really doesn't mean to do these things, he just.... does. He takes any telling off or critism to heart, and looks so dejected when I'm angry at him that it's very hard to stay mad at him.

But he is also such a people pleaser, he loves to make people happy and is our family comedien as he sets out to make us all laugh. He is exceptionally loving to everyone and is fantastic with little Charlie. He loves to play those rough housing boy games with his little brother that sometimes end up with me having to step in as Charlie is not always quite ready for those type of games.


Mucking around for the camera when Charlie decided he didn't want to be left out. But he wouldn't stay still long enough for a decent photo! It may look like a grimace, but Charlie is actually laughing here.

He has a knack for making friends wherever he goes, and always has been like that. No matter where we are, within minutes he's got a circle of kids around him and is happily making everyone laugh. He just loves babies and little kids, and can be so considerate of them, but then because of his size and intelligence he fits in perfectly with older kids too.

Corey is also exceptionally brainy. He's a maths whiz but excels at every subject. He starts high school next year and was accepted into the Academic Extension program, which is just fantastic as he needs the extra stimulation or he gets bored and plays up due to all the extra energy he has.

He is the sportier of my boys too, loves his soccer and martial arts, but can turn his hand (or foot!) to any sport and has represented his school on many occasions. He has a deep interest in spirituality, and I love the discussions we can have these days. One of the perks of having teenagers is the conversations you can have with them. So much more depth that you get with younger kids, I love hearing their view of things and exposing them to new concepts and ideas.

To my mind he has it all : he's smart, he's sporty and has an engaging personality. As I keep telling him, with that combo he can do anything and be anything he wants in this life.

But to me he'll always be my Corey-boy.

Contented Days

As I sit at our kitchen bench, with Charlie on my lap, tapping this out on my laptop and listening to the spring rain gently falling, I feel content.

Very, very overwhelmingly tired but also content.

Recent events have made me stop and notice all the things I have to be thankful for. Uppermost in my mind right now is thankfulness that Charlie has come through his terrible ordeal with glandular fever and a horrific reaction to penicillin. I know that the recovery period can be long but I am thankful he is in the recovery phase.


The rash resulting from a reaction to amoxicillin. This rash turned out to be worse than the glandular fever - causing horrific itching, pain and bruising all over his body.

It has been such a harrowing experience for all of us these last 6 weeks.When seeing the doctor the other day for a check up, he said that he was glad to see us come in, as he had been very concerned and made the comment that "not knowing if Charlie was lying in hospital still or dead had been difficult". That made me stop still. Dead? That certainly helps put things into perspective.

But we are on the other side now, we can move on with our lives, and this period will become just a terrible memory of Charlie's childhood.


Repeated bathing in Pinetarsol (made from pine tree sap) helped relieve the itching temporarily. But many sleepless nights were had. His skin become so sensitive that to cuddle him caused pain and bruising.

I'm a firm believer that the things that happen in our lives happen for a reason. And this recent experience is no different. It can sometimes take a little thought to figure out the reason.

Did it open a new door in our life? Or close one?

Did it confirm we are on the right path, or the wrong one?

Did it make us stronger, softer, more patient?

Or perhaps we can just learn and grow from it.

After thinking on things as I held my ill little boy in my arms, as he itched and cried, said he was in pain, I could take from this trying time, that it's just confirming my need to learn to focus only on the now.

I've blogged about this before, my need to learn this lesson. Focussing on the now, on what is happening right this second, will ensure I don't borrow stress from what is to come, or from what has been.

I want to be able to enjoy every second of this life, to feel contentment and peace. No more rushing and stress.

But, like most people, my life is busy and rushed. And quite often stressed. So I forget and fall back into old habits.

I'm a work in progress, I guess.

But I'm ok with that. I'm overwhelmingly happy with my life, my family, my home. That's not to say I won't have bad days. But I'm content enough within myself to get through them.

And so I think I'm now ready to come back into the blogging world again, sharing little tidbits of my eccentric and wonderful life. Some bits interesting, some funny, some deep and meaningful.

And quite a few superficial and trivial ones. (Fashionable Friday, anyone?)

Mummy Guilt

I have to admit, I have yet to achieve the elusive perfect balance in my life that I so desperately seek.

Some days I'm the perfect wife, mother and homemaker (well, in my mind anyway!) but drop the ball on the work front. The task list gets longer and deadlines loom.

Then other days, I achieve more than I would ever expect I could from a work point of view, to the detriment of my home and family. Laundry room overflows with dirty washing and dinner is toasted sandwiches.

I just can't seem to balance the scales to achieve what I want from both sides at the same time.

Am I being unrealistic?

Maybe.

But that doesn't stop the guilt. Self imposed guilt, which in a way makes it worse as you can't really ignore it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't constantly berate myself, or push myself to exhaustion trying to achieve my version of the perfect balance. But there, in the deep recesses of my mind, is the desire to be all that I wish to be, and the guilt that comes when I don't manage to achieve it.

I believe that most mother's feel a sort of guilt. In one version or another.

Can I provide enough for my kids? Do I spend enough time with my children? Do I work too much? Am I feeding them properly? Are they getting the best education? Am I too soft or too strict? and on and on and on.

Each is situation is different but the mummy guilt is there.

Not long ago my lovely soul sister and mother of three gorgeous children, emailed me asking advice on how to balance spending enough time with each of her children (not that I'm anywhere near being in a position to give advice on this situation!). Given the fact that her youngest was 3 months old and was taking up most of her time as baby's do, this situation was only to be expected but my friend felt guilty at not spending as much time as she would like with her other two children.

In my experience, this is what anyone with more than one child has been through, myself included, and luckily it's only temporary, because as the youngest gets older, she can join in more games with her older siblings. Though I must say, one on one time with each child can be hard to achieve once you have three. We just have to do the best we can.

I often find myself getting ready to go to bed after an evening busy with dinner, clean up and then work, and I go to check on my three sleeping boys, only to realise that since dinner time I haven't actually seen the older two, who put themselves to bed whilst I worked. It makes me feel bad, that I'm not there spending more time with them.

Of course, rationally I know that I need to work to provide for us and that Charlie needs more of my time to assist him physically (ie feeding, bathing etc) whilst the older two don't. But what about emotional need? Even a 12 and 14 year old need their mother's time on an emotional level.

And this takes me back to the beginning of of this post - trying to achieve a balance between home life and work. As I work from home, I don't have clear cut work and home times, so they tend to overlap a lot, which leads to the guilt I feel when I feel I let the balance swing too far one way or the other.

My solution?

Just do the best I can in any given moment.

And always remember that life is constantly changing, so this current situation will pass. It helps me get through the hard days.

I'd love to hear comments from other mums, to know whether I'm correct in presuming that most mothers have their own version of mummy guilt.

It's always nice to know you're the only one struggling with a particular problem.

No-one likes to feel like they're on their own.